Efficiency and You

I work in a call center, in a cubicle with a computer.  Next to the computer there's an electronic phone that you use to tell management what you're doing at any given time.  When you're on the phone it lets them know you're talking, when you're documenting it lets them know you're typing. 

 

When you need to go pee, you punch in the number 12 into the phone.  12 is the number for internal waste management. 

 

If you have technical problems it's a 16.  Need to take a smoke break?  10.  Lunch is an 11. 

 

If you for some reason, we can all go down a mental checklist, you take too long while in the restroom, you get an IM on your computer screen asking what's the hub-bub.  Finding creative answers, while staying work-place appropriate, is always an added challenge to my job. 

 

So, I have implemented a new system that I'm pitching to the bosses come Monday.  It consists of 3500 additional codes for employees to put in.

 

For instance, if you got a bad case of lock-jaw, that's a 245.  If you find yourself being taken over by the voices that live in the back of your head, a 974 is in order.  If you're thinking of creative ways to become a ninja with a Wendy's spork, then that's a big 3421.

 

If your neighbor begins political conversations over the wall of your cube and you can't bear to think of any other conversation in the world that would be less molar-removal-like, then that's a 756.  It the conversation floats over to healing crystals and the power of labyrinths, then that floats down to a 511.  The entire 510's are devoted to hippy alternative healing methods, for quick reference. 

 

 All personal phone calls are the same as before, a 16.  Since time is becoming such a commodity, each employee will be encouraged to tape all calls and store them on those tiny cassette tapes that are only sold at Radio Shack.  Then, the employee should take the conversation, chop and screw it Houston hip-hop style to the television theme song of their choice.  Mine is usually Charles in Charge, slowed down and repeated randomly.. 

 

Any time you snack while on the computer should be a Norman Invasion, or a 1066.  On your newly issued snack log, please list each individual snack eaten, amount of bites per mouthful, and for documenting purposes name each individual snack cracker/cookie after a 20^th century historical figure, such as Spiro Agnew.  Historical snacks taste better, and your time is better logged.  Today I ate a Fred Thompson Vanilla Wafer. .

 

Implementing these changes will aid communication and efficiency.  Thank you.